Category Archives: love

Shame of the year

We all know shame and understand to avoid it when necessary. But sometimes, we just walk down her street and hope the world would forget.
Do they forget? Or do you forget? The unexplainable embarrassment of the year.

Yeah! My case was a shame of the year and this is how it happened.

My grandma, “a hajat” runs a retail shop along a highway in some small town. It faces a rising sun which I enjoy bathing on the cold days.
I greet her, grab a chair, place it onto the verandah as soon as she opens her doors to the shop.

She is a tough person to read really. Unlike most elderly ladies who give a cozy feeling while talking to them, she freaks me out. Like she doesn’t like me. Or for some reason, hates me and just blurs me in her mind’s eye. And I think I did give her a reason to.

About eight months ago, I came to live next to her, at my own place in my own first home. A single room, rented, along a muddy road (cause it’s raining now) off the highway. The building is one block away from where the shop is. So if the shop faces north, my room would face the east.

I should say I didn’t know her until that time. Like we had not seen each other until then, and until she sold me a three litre Jerry can for I think triple the price, Ugshs 3500. And then, she gave me a reason to go to other shops. It was expensive even in my own ignorance since I had never done shopping for household items before.
So I tried other shops and bought a five litre jerry can at Ugshs2500. I was happy. It felt like money well spent. That I was a genius finally in control of my first days in the real world, away from home and school.
But at the same time, a wrong or the best idea of never to buy from her again. I mean, if family is to be exploited by you, am sorry grandma, I ain’t going to be part of your legacy.

So the sneaky dealings started like I was buying drugs from another dealer and had to be sure she never comes to know. Not that she would do anything, but really it would look weird.

My new dealer would be a shop along the same highway, on the same side, just a one block away from the grandma’s left.  A she of course, who undeniably is beautiful. A gracious voice and radiant smile, offering to do way good stuff if I buy from her. Like she sorts my rice so I take ready to cook and eat. Which of course my grandma, wouldn’t do. And again, she is beautiful.

Anyway I usually peeked at the verandah to see if grandma wasn’t there, then walk like a boss to my dealer whom am so proud to buy from. And this was just smooth until, I can’t even say…

It was a normal black out, just a few candle lights from the still open shops, and flashing lights of passing vehicles. The sky was dark enough for the  many visible stars that dotted it’s canvas. And this guy, myself, chooses to take a walk, masking the night, thinking about my own duties till I come close to my dealer’s shop, “mama Mariam” that I remembered I had a pickup to do.

It was dark and if that wouldn’t have been the best time, then there wouldn’t have been any better. She was not on her verandah, but dumping rubbish into a “pit.” so I took hold of the moment and made the pickup. I didn’t ask for a wrapping for my 1kg of rice and turned to leave the shop.

And duh, lights everywhere. To be specific, light above my head. Electricity was back from its normal routines as it always is in developing countries. Very bright. Probably a new bulb. Looking across me, grandma standing on the verandah looking back at me. With my spoils in my hands, I swear I wished to be anywhere else but not there. I was drowning literally in my mind that I froze for sometime. May be a minute or two. Until I went back into the shop and asked for a wrapping before walking shamefully with my head low.

It was the worst I had ever felt in a long time. Wait, the worst that I still do feel. So guilty that I have been avoiding my morning sun bath.

And when I did see her, she replied to me like nothing had happened. Huh? Nothing?!
Just with her stale face like before which could mean she always knew I bought from that shop. Or worst, “I don’t care. You can go to hell grandson. You are a sellout.”

And to the moment I write this, I still feel her stale eyes, hear her raspy voice like echoes from a nightmare that am never to wake up from, taunting me like a ghost.

Grandma, am sorry. But she is a pretty  lady the stole me from you. Please just understand why I had to do this. It was a tough decision that took seconds to make and would probably do the same until you start selling a bit cheaply. Wait, even if you did, she is a pretty woman and that’s a good reason to keep buying from

And again, am sorry! Love you!

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To my lover

The tears from my heart,
Fill the pages of this plea

Words of a broken man,
Who awakes to a lost love

Standing on cliff,
And calling to death

If this life feels like death itself,
Why live if I can’t be yours?

Knowing you love someone else,
But failing to understand this aching

if I ain’t yours,
Then why long for your breath?

A heart thing
Speaking a language I don’t understand

A senseless falling,
Into the arms of one to stab me

Why feel so right?
But so wrong

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He said

“No,” he said,
“I want to see how you roll yours eyes when turned on,”
“Biting your lips and your voice smoother than the dust of falling snow,
Screaming within a peaking ecstasy.”
“To see your soul in the white of your eyes,
And your heart in the brown lenses within.”
“Pounding to the thrusting movement between your thighs,
But gentle, to raise your spirit,
Into the sky of dreamers…”

Why foolish heart? (Your shadow I remember)

Am not angry that you didn’t show up,
But at my heart for hoping, even when it was clear,
That it was your shadow I saw,
When you turned to walk away from me

A blackish figure moving far away with each step
Head low,
Hands loosely swinging on your shoulders
Striding through piles of snow

Never looked back, not even once
Why, did I leave the door open?
In the freezing nights of the winter
As I lay in my bed, cold, never warm

I was scared of the dark,
Afraid to fall asleep in a lone bed,
Forsaken by night’s dreams of paradise
But vivid nightmares that you hated me

Burnt all my oil in the lantern,
Never had enough you know,
So I always borrowed some cents to cover the next nights
And yet those too hardly helped

But thanks to the moon,
On some nights, I sat by the door,
Looked at her, swim in the vast dark greyish sky
Despite being alone, she always made her way

And so, I hoped foolishly,
Believing you were my moon,
That you would always find your way
And I see you did,

But not to the doorstep of my heart,
But another, and so it aches,
From the long cracks running,
From the roof to its foundation

Why foolish heart?
The naivety of a young mind,
Now wrinkles of an old soul we nurse
Like grief, why this much pain?

Why do I still hope?
Even now, that my eyes water,
As my heart bleeds from these deep painful cuts
Why foolish heart? WHY?!

Tatters of trust

The blades of betrayal cut deep,
Through the fabrics of the heart

A world never the same again
Contrastive, a true self revealed

The hypocritical roses of love,
Lying in these webs of deceit,

Lured by soft words of a smooth tongue
To be broken at the cliff of bliss

Now, fallen to the dark world of the unforgiving,
A vindictive soul garbed in tatters of trust

A love that flew away

Swans once flew,
Over blossoming red roses
And their tainted white feathers,
On broken wings of marriage

The bruises of a first love,
A fall in a summertime
On springs of frozen tears

The lover’s castle by the river of memories
And buried emotions of a past,
Covered in a large painting by the hallway

That hearts bled,
Eyes watered, and skins, sweaty,
Our pathetic efforts to mend the burning bridge

So now, strained by the wrinkles of age,
We stare through these broken glasses,
Our wishful thoughts, carried by the mountain winds
To the land of the never was

That epitomes of our youthful fantasies, 
Lying under olive trees
Living among the stars,
We may savour,
The last smiles, and breath

Devoured

Pain,  the wrinkles of the heart,
Masks of sadden faces,
Moaning the souls within

To fight battles invisible
Building that to be pulled down,
And owning that which never was

I call it brokenness,
A shattered mirror reflecting,
Pieces of our tattered spirits

We choke on our own tears,
Drowning in pools of laughter
By angry faces that wish to burry us

So, tonight, our eyes shall then shut,
Our minds replaying their wicked smiles,
And our ears looped on their spites

For the battle is lost,
A blackened sun behind veils of sorrow
Sold into chains of our enemies