Yours truly, Honesty

You drew the line between us. The line intended to show our separate ways. I only allowed it be by respecting your decision.
You thought I was wrong and you’re right. I thought I was right or wrong. I sought your advice but you rebuffed. Its natural that we can never hug when pointed at with a sword. But rather defensive actions are applied.
We all know that its natural to feel dizzy after a stomach full and the reverse being unable to sleep when hungry. Now watch with me, you are hungry but able to sleep. I believe its this violation of nature that we swim in lacking.
I only wished to see you happy. That was my dream. I imagined you happy that I would be happy. But now watch clearly, I ain’t happy. U ain’t too. And all for what?
I watched your decisions and couldn’t tell if they were out of reason or emotion. Am more to being sure that it ain’t any of the two.
Am not happy about my past but wish and believe to be proud of my future not matter the cost. I hope u someday get to see this
Thanks truly, honesty


I thanked a bad man

At times you don’t have to be a thief to be one. I honestly didnt have control over whatever I was doing that day.
Many lessons learnt. Really hurting lessons. Imagine trying for the last six months to change into a better person you think you could be, but first person you meet points to your weaknesses.
A rush of anger and gratitude ran threw so first that I could not know what I felt. Angry one minute, and the other really glad. Well, atleast lessons of self improvement are not ones to be mastered easily. Persistence and determination are tools one should walk with every time along this path.
A slight relief to the new information but yet another step to being free and great. I wasnt hurt that I was to be call a thief. Atleast I was sure I didnt have any doing in that. But what? It happened! I was about to be or thought a thief. 
Before, I had really talked hard to a good man. A good man I liked to think he was though his actions proved otherwise. That was really what got me out of the ordinary me. Feeling bad for my own words. My mouth had betrayed me. Worse,  I knew that no matter who was right, in any argument, the quiet one most likely won. I was scared that I had lost an argument I had planned several hours before it happened. But what can one say? We are all humans.  Thats what we do.
Anyway what mattered? The “good man” still didn’t keep his word. No matter how many times a king would bend down to a slave, they would never be the same. They may look the same but never the same. I agree I wasn’t happy about my actions but not to see my bad.
They say survival brings out the ugly in us. May be we were just the other victims of circumstances. We were both survivors. 
But still, I don’t know if I survived being thief. Atleast you don’t need be the killer to be a convict. May be I was a thief that day. You see when honor is what a man seeks, actions like thiefty are really serious  dents on his armor. Anyway I don’t care about that. That was just two minutes of that day. The day I thanked the good but bad man.

Good or bad

And I saw that neither purity of heart brings life to a better living nor does impurity to a worse living. But it all happens to all.
Being nice doesnt pays nor does being bad. Its all living. We don’t get paid to live.
Because your desires are for the good of all. It doesn’t grant their success. But rather desires occur with chance and time.  And that’s the great depression we live in.
I knew within and thought I was sincere and hoped that even God sees it. With that I was assured of my success. I was confident. I was self confident. But then King Solomon called self confident people fools.
Was I being self confident with sincerity as the pole I held on to for my achievements? It’s clearly foolish that I thought so. The world wasn’t and ain’t filled with sincere successful people.
So what is success and what brings it?  Its clear now that it can’t be good nor bad. And if it ain’t good and bad, then what is neither good nor bad? Cause that would definitely be the answer to success. 
He says its time and chance. King Solomon did.  Are they really truly the causes of success? Never to forget failure the nemesis. He could be right He was and is right.
Time is a creation of God like humans. Between day and night is a a simple rotation of the earth around the sun. And that creates times which in turn create the seasons and then generations.
And chance, I can’t tell yet. Could it be the occurance of different actions from different objects at a point in time?  I can’t clearly be sure.
And now chance and time bring success or failure? He could be right. He was and is right.
And then it can’t be time and chance, but rather the maker of all. It’s God. He grants success whether you are sincere or not.  He works as He pleases. Whether you believe it or not. That’s it.
You don’t breath because you helped yesterday or the other is dead because they killed today.
It doesn’t matter they happen.
Call it fate. Call it what you want.
It ain’t good or bad that we live.
But because we have to live. To live good or bad.
And you ask now, why do you have to help? Dont be foolish, when thirsty and offered a glass of water, would you be glad?  Of course you would. And that’s to live. Its much better to save a life than to cause a loss of one.

Slice of bread

And what does it matter if a brother stole a slice of bread but feels heavy in the heart like the other who kills his wife? I think it matters not. The weight of sin is the same. Whether its small or big in the human eyes, sin is a chain. I believe no one ever loves to be chained.
Freedom is what we want and sin takes that away from us. A slice of bread with a warm heart is better than a plateful with a cold one.  And sin no matter the size of the plate bears a cold heart. That’s if one is truly human.
Regret is a sword against sin used to cut down its filthy curtains. We know all that with remorse is true repentance. 
And when I write this hoping that someday a fellow may see the light.  Probably walk in it. The light of freedom. Freedom from sin through a deeper understanding of the true power of regret.  Regret the honest repentance.
But what does everyone say, “don’t feel regret, everyone does it” this is not about what everyone does, its about what I hate to do. Its what chains me. I wish to be free and I hope you understand cause I don’t want to be and am not everyone, I am ME

Happy or sad? May be guilty

For real, I wasn’t sure what to do or not. I didn’t know what I did and why I did it.
All humans are the same. We live and all act tough everyday. But what is that? Its all a passing of time. 
I think if we only knew what really happens when one dies, may be it would all make sense.
So now, one has to live like how every human has. Act responsible for something when in reality we are not. All because deep within we are told we are responsible, that we have to do something. And that’s the guilty.
I learnt sometime that if I ever needed to truly be happy given any moment that I should never ask one question. Which question was, “and now, where is or what was the fun in doing this or that?” And it was true.
After a time of indirectly use of this question, I accidently lost happiness.  I knew I had to be happy but I wasn’t.  I knew I had more than what some people whether above,below or even my age would ever have but still wasn’t happy.  I could clearly see the good I had thus my lack of happiness wasn’t a cloud of negative thinking of the bad around me. It was just one of those days. I was not happy but not sad. I wanted answers. I really thought I had forgotten happiness. May be I had for a moment.
We mostly know what we have done before any finger is pointed at us. We are our very first accusers.  Thus guilty starts right inside us under most cases where it stays. In other cases as an external influence.
But then what is inside us? Is it the heart, mind, soul or spirit? Is it all of them? Are they all responsible for thought?  Well, thought was the most possible answer to what happiness, sadness or guilty were. They were all elements of the same material “thought” but different states in composition “emotions”. They are thoughts.  Thoughts from the mind? Soul? Spirit? Or heart? That you may answer as you please.
Thus happiness is a thought. Same for sadness and guilty.  There are just triggers to these emotions through thought. And hence “he who controls his thought,  controls his life through his actions. ”
I only wish to a live a happy and meaningful life. I believe when one seeks to understand guilty, he seeks to know his mistakes. To provide a justification for every action.  To live a happier life.

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