A silent fool

Everyday becomes one word less.
Ha! Oh God! What could this really be? A life for the words too?
Words grow, age and die. And so, isn’t that a life?
The more I think I know, the less the words. Cause what I get to know is that they just won’t get it.
And so, does silence make one a fool? Cause now I understand what the mind is. Its the loudest thing I have ever know.
I mean, literally its a continuous debate for almost all life. One topic after another. Some are concluded. Some are not.
This is the life we got from thinking. Thinking which is nothing but words. Words which are things. Things which we see or may see. Or may not.
Ha! I like the mind. I like to speak buy love to listen.
Its how am living now. A silent fool I would seem. But God knows why.

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Bad

And now I know, you don’t know how bad an action looks like till you enjoy a company of fools who unknowingly help you “wiseman” to grieve endless for your stupid actions…
I don’t think am a perfectionist but I agree to some level of satisfaction from my deeds. Whether good or bad I would regret. Thus I say today, I did bad yesterday or may be will do the same tomorrow. But today, I will do good.
Then I think, so why should I be nice? I know not a just place for a just man under the heavens. So would I do bad? I wonder…
But truly, one can never get any satisfaction from what one thinks is wrong. And may or not get satisfaction from what one thinks is right. Thus I would conclude, the world is good and more bad. In all, man must try to find the good in it. That’s the fault in the stars. Or rather the games we play till we die. Endless games of chasing wind.
And then I learn today, even from a fool will come a big lesson that no man is better. We are teachers and examples to one another.
And so I do good, simply because I hold the end of all truly good deeds is happiness. But then in the end of all bad whether knowingly or not is regret…

The sin

And so I thought, I would let myself fall into this sin.So deep. I would may be find the answer.
I would see myself like in deep ocean with nothing around me…
I would see myself in a big space with nothing around me…
I knew at a certain I would feel may be totally nothing from this continuous torment to my own soul. For I know am no better than any other. Besides, sins I have done are known to me and God unlike you my brother.
I live everyday with my head just above the water. Afraid that I would drown. But surprisingly I never do. In a big flame which truly makes me thirsty but never burns me out.
I know not what I do and why I do it.
In all, am a jailer to my own happiness by my own actions.
Am starting to think that my mind is but another person. Its doesn’t regret anything but my soul cries.
I long for the days I thought I was pure. I would freely judge all. And it felt right. But now I know, the wiser one becomes, the sadder one may become. He was right. King Solomon was right. The only true happiness and sadness is wisdom.
But ironically I know I will keeping fighting even in the deep ocean,  deep space. For my energy is a stream of positive thoughts. And for sure, nothing is more that positive will. For it defeats energy itself…
And so what am I writing here… God knows.
Oh yeah! Its about a journey to the end of this sin. To may be fully understand it somehow.
“If I can’t fight u head on, so why not entertain this sin as to unveil its secrets?”

A blessing

Its sad and very nice how good sprouts from bad. From death is life. From failure is success. From sadness is happiness.  From darkness was and is light… in all there is good everywhere. The Bible is a proof to this and without explanation we have all realised this. 
I was sent to a boarding school once with but nothing. Only a bookes and pens.
At that time I was furious at my parent for her decision all because I was under “punishment”. It was a tough. In reality it was fate. Had it not been for that one time, I wouldn’t be writing this. This time would be have been an alternative history. I would have not gone to university on scholarship. May be yes or not. I would not be this or the me in the future.
In reality, its all about chance and the human choice. Chance was to be caught or not by my aunt. But I was caught. The choice was of two persons. My aunt and I. She could simply let it slip by or provide a punishment. If she let it slip by, thats another history. But she didn’t. Thus another choice was taken. Light or heavy punishment?  If a light punishment was administered, that’s another history. But a heavy punishment was given. And now comes my choice. I would either go light or heavy (angry) with the punishment. 
First, lets say i go light. I would be humble accept the punishment and probably continue my life as a carefree boy simply living every minute as it comes. But I didn’t.
Instead, driven by emotion I went angry with all these many questions in my head. “May be she didn’t really like me?” but who was wrong? Me or her?”  “Isnt she a monster? ” and many others. Thus by the way of probability, I choose to read hard. I don’t know if I read to prove am right or show her my wit and I was top of the class.
Remember I would have chosen to steal from other boys to fill the gap. But I couldn’t following my way of character. I can’t steal. That statement rings so loudly in my head almost everyday.
Thinking about it now, I realised the meaning of chance and choice in human lives where choices are either conscious or not. It doesn’t matter. In the end, God happened. From my misbehavior I now have a blessing which I can’t fully compliment to my being bright and hardworking alone.
Thus success is both good and bad in a mix. More ironically, from bad primarily.

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